Conversation: The Big Selection (or why we don't care, or should care)

"Now sure will have Elections next month one!"

"Just because the two other candidates submit their credentials for certification doesn't mean that they will qualify. They might not meet the criteria and may not qualify to run."

"No lah! The gumment already know the people buay song, buay kum guan that Tan Cheng Bock is being cheated of his chance to run for President, if the two kena disqualified and the Makcik gets to jalan into the Istana, everybody will shout 'Kelong!" so loudly, the fish will swim away!"

Conversation: The Three Conditions

"What happen to Tan Cheng Bock's appeal, ah?"

"Still no decision."

"That means, what?"

"That means, no decision yet lah! Are you trying to get me into trouble by speculating about possible conspiracy theories that might impugn the reputation and independence of our judiciary?"

"You so clever I am sure you can find a way to... "imp pune" the reputation of our courts without getting into trouble, lah!"

"Don't have. But I heard a joke - Tan Cheng Bock can run in this election if he fulfills three conditions."

"What conditions?"

Conversation: Nasi Lemak Burger Challenge? What Tokking You?

"Wat tokking you? Challenge, your head lah!"

"What you reading?"

"The stupid paper lah! Got no news or what? Some Malaysian burger place want to challenge Singapore's McDonald Nasi Lemak Burger!"

"Oh yes. I heard about that. Or read about it. What about it?"

"OK, first, McDonald (SG) comes out with the Nasi Lemak Burger. So now this MyBurgerlab (MY) "invented" the The Nasi Lemak Ayam Rendang Burger." 

Conversation: Lee & Lee vs Lee

"Wah liao eh. If  the Old Man is still alive, he must be dem disappointed in his children, man!"

"I also say."

"And say until like that - that they have no confidence in their brother. I dunno what that even means! So they have no confidence in him as their brother, or they have no confidence in him as the PM?"

"Aiyah, this is just a family argument made bigger because the brother is the PM, and the father is LKY. And of course in a family fight, everything becomes bigger, and more important. So, the brother is not just trying to challenge the father's last will, he is betraying the values of the father. It is the exaggeration of a soap opera."

"I read also dunno what to believe. Can say until like that, meh? Then say that he can use the house for politics? How? If the grandson want to go into politics, all he has to say is that he is grandson of LKY. Whether the old house is standing or demolished will not make him not LKY's grandson, what!"

Conversation: State-Assisted Funeral for Othman Wok

"Another Old Guard pass away." *sigh*

"Encik Othman Wok. He was a good man."

"Yeah. I remember when... That time... aiyah! Si lah. I must be getting old. I don't remember why he was a good man."

"Don't look at me. I too young to remember. I HEARD he was important in helping Lee Kuan Yew get the support of the Malay community in the early years. "

"Ah! Yah! Something like that. I remember something like that. That time there were quite a few riots and trouble about race. We needed strong people to hold Singapore together. Yeah. Mr Othman Wok was very important. It is right that we give him a State Funeral."

Conversation: A Reserved Presidential Election

"Oi, you heard or not? Tan Cheng Bock asked the govt to make the next Presidential Election an "Open" election so he can run. He said they count salah already lah, it is not time to reserve the Election for Malay candidate. He says the govt is just trying to keep him from being president!"

"But we have not had a Malay President since Yusoff Ishak in 1970. That's more than 40 years... Almost 50 years."

"Cannot count like that, lah! The rule is supposed to count the last 30 years of Elected Presidents. But Presidents were elected only from Ong Teng Cheong. But they count from Wee Kim Wee! Who is not an elected president! How can liddat?"

"But still, we haven't had a Malay President since our first President. And our country is 52 years old already. Surely it is time to reserve... you know? You are right. If the rule is 30 years or 5 Presidential terms, then we should follow the rules. Anyway, I don't think our "racial harmony" is enhanced by 'Reserved Presidential Elections' for minorities, every now and then."

"Wah? You agree with me then?"

"Yes... but while I don't think it is a good idea to have a Reserved Election for minorities, it is better than what we had the last PE."

"What did we have the last election?"

"A de facto reserved PE for 'Tans'."

How (not) to order steaks at a food court

Stories from the food court

At lunch. Western Grill at a local food court. 

Man (Customer, potential): Your Airflown Ribeye Steak from Australia or New Zealand, ah?
Hawker Stall Operator (employee): It's... frozen.
Man: Ya, but from Australia or New Zealand?
Hawker: Honestly, I don't know leh.
Man (on phone to wife): Honey, he says he don't know... Okay. (walks away).

Conversation: Jiao Wey on CPF

"Nabe. Kong Jiao Wey, lah!"

"What are you reading?"

"That Tharman lah, he says younger Singaporeans who have enough savings can take 'controlled risks' - tok cock lah!"

"But that's not wrong advice - "

"This kind of advice my Ah Ma also can give! 'Take controlled risk' - like anyone will tell you to anyhow take risk, ah? And if you have enough savings, then what you worry? If you are young and have enough savings, you dem good already! No need gahmen to helpchyu. No need gahmen to give you jiao wey advice like 'take controlled risks'. The problem is people who don't have enough savings for their retirement - what is the gahmen going to do for them? Give them jiao wei advice?"

Conversation: Singapore at 51

"Do you know the meaning behind our Singapore Flag?"

"You think I bo tak cheh issit? Of course I know lah!

"So you know the Red is for brotherhood, the White is for purity, the crescent moon is for a young nation, and the 5 stars represents the qualities in the pledge: Justice, Equality, Peace, Progress, and Democracy?"

"Wah liao! where you get your education? In my days, we were taught Red is for Sambal, White is for Coconut milk - two very important ingredient in Singapore food. The moon is in the shape of a "C" and the 5 stars are for the "5 Cs" - Career, Cash, Credit Card, Condo, and Country Club Membership!"

"Er... nobody talks about the '5Cs' anymore."

Overheard: Singapore Claims Indonesian Islands

"Eh, Boss! I got another worried buyer. He was told by his friends that Funtasy Island is right in the middle of a serious piracy area. He wants to know about our security arrangements!"

"Another kan cheong spider ah? Aiyoh! Liddat how to do business?"

"What about our plan to get the Singapore Coast Guard or the Navy to increase patrols around the area?"

"We already spoke to MHA and MinDef, they say we are in Indonesian territory, so they cannot patrol in Indonesian waters. Something about sobriety. Really? Then don't drink on the job lah! Hai-yah!"

"I think they said 'sovereignty', not 'sobriety'. That means Indonesia will be a little sensitive about foreign vessels in their waters."

Overheard: Lightning strikes MRT tracks.

Overheard:

"Ok. Make a note. We use the "struck by lightning" excuse this time. Cannot use again for at least 5 years. People won't believe it if we say struck by lightning TWICE within a short span of time. What is the next excuse on the list?" 

"Er... 'hit by meteorite', sir." 

"WHAT? Who's going to believe that?!?"

Conversation: The Chee "Buy" Election

"So, the Chee By-election is on! Ho sei lah!"

"You just like to say, 'Chee By-Election', right?"

"Abuden! How many times do we get a chance to say this?"

"But don't think he can win, leh."

"You are wrong. He win already."

"Because it's a 'Chee By-election'?"

"Yes. But, spelt, B-U-Y."

"What do you mean?"

Conversation: WP and the EP dialogue

"Very nice. Send a written submission to the commission on the EP, then don't want to speak at the public hearings."

"What tokking you?"

"Workers' Party. They wrote to the Committee on the Elected Presidency to say that the EP should be abolished. But when the committee invited them to attend the public hearings, they refused."

"Orh! That thing ah? They already write in oredi. Go there and tok for what? Waste time lah! Anyway, I hear they say that they will tok in parliament when the committee submit their report."

Conversation: Lee & Lee

"Wa lau eh! Sister versus brother. Father just one year gone, and the family start to fight. Some more, she say he abused his power. If she dare to say, he better dare to sue. Otherwise people will believe her more than him! Oo hee kwa liao loh!"

"Don't get so excited. There won't be a show. There won't be a lawsuit."

"Why you so sure? The Lees will sue when their reputation is on the line. Here she is accusing him of abuse of power. Smaller things than that they have sued before!"

Conversation - How to be The Real Singapore

"These two buggers really know how to play the system, man!"

"Who?"

"The couple who ran that website, 'The Real Singapore'. Blardy clever! Can earn half a million dollars in less than 2 years. And now, still can play out the Singapore Government, man!"

"They can play, but they already caught and charge in court. The girl even plead guilty and sentenced to 10 months."

"And we goondu. That is EXACTLY what they want!"

Conversation - Bukit Batok By-Election (Mar 2016)

"So Chee Soon Juan is going to contest in the By-Election."

"Like we surprised meh? Waiting for Kenneth J and Tan Jee Say to also jump in."

"But Workers Party and DPP have announced that they won't contest."

"WP not contesting also expected, lah! They know where they are strong, and they don't just jump in just because there is a lobang ok? That's why this By-Election is happening. Someone jumped in just because got lobang. WP will work the ground one, before they pia. Ai pia jia eh aia, but must also know when and where to pia. You never do homework, it's not pia, it's cheong only and hope for the best."

CPF Rant

A ranting comment on the CPF minimum sum, and a ranting rebuttal. From Facebook comment.

I should mention that there are some salty language, but it is in Hokkien (I believe) and most young people probably don't know Hokkien. Those that do know Hokkien, and salty Hokkien at that, they don't need my protection.

Sam Lee wrote: "U all keep your Fxxking mouth shut !!! Answer my question if u can . Dont talk cock & simg song . In 1970' s when i start working , they said i can withdraw CPF at 55 . When i reached 55 , & i cant withdraw CPF , why ? If they want to change CPF rules , should effect from that date , not when they promlsed us , in 1970's . So who is telling the truth !!!"

Conversation - To catch a terrorist

"Wah liao! 27 Bengalis terrorists in Singapore! Are they sure there is only 27? What if they miss some? These foreign workers are just causing us trouble!"

"Actually, I want to know how did the ISD find out about them? Is there an ISD officer who speaks whatever language these foreign workers speak, and was able to infiltrate their group and learn that they were planning terrorists acts back in their own home?"

"Aiyah! This is an easy question. Remember when the Chinese and Taiwanese Presidents came to Singapore to have a meeting?"

"Yah."

"And some Taiwanese were trying to enter Singapore to protest the meeting? But kena stopped and turned back at the immigration. They didn't even get to enter Singapore! And a few managed to enter Singapore earlier, but on the morning before the two Presidents were supposed to meet, the Police picked up those Taiwanese from their hotel rooms and brought them to the police station where they were questioned for so long, that by the time they were released, the two Presidents had completed their meeting!"

"I didn't read this in the papers..."

"It was big news in the Taiwanese papers when the protesters went home and complained to their newspapers! But same question: how did the Singapore Police know who to stop at the airport, and who to pick up at the hotel? Taiwanese Police gave them information!"

"So for the 27 would-be terrorists from Bangladesh..."

"The Bangladeshi police or spy must have given info to the SG police, lah! You think our police so clever ah?"

Conversation - on bonuses and the economy

[Note: this conversation happened some time in early Dec 2015.]

"Civil Servants to get 0.65 months year end bonus. Last year was 0.8 months, The year before was 1.1 month. Every year, the bonus is lesser and lesser. Next year if  can get 0.5 months, will be lucky! Maybe even lower."

"Aiyah! Harng Zheng Pai. But what goes down, will come up one. Don't worry!"

"I'm not sure that it will come up so easily. The world is different today, from say, the early 80s."

"Eh, since when you become civil servant you care so much about their bonus."

"The newspaper report civil service bonus because it is a good gauge of how much bonus people should expect. How much bonus civil servants get is an indication of how well the economy is doing. Of course every sector will have their own idea of what is a good bonus, but the civil service bonus is a good "pow-ka-liao" indicator of how we are doing."

"OK. but no need to be so pessimistic right? I worked so long, I can tell you from experience, it is all a roller coaster, it goes up, it comes down, then it goes up again."

Conversation: MP's wife

"I have a friend of a friend who has a colleague who is the wife of an MP, recently elected. She dem suay, she say."

"Not happy to be an MP's wife?"

"She's quite stylo one. Likes to dress up, look good, but now she says her husband, the MP must vet her clothes."

"Why?

"She say the other day she was trying on a dress. It was supposed to be s tight-fitting dress, but she thought maybe too sexy so she got a slightly looser, larger size. Her husband told her to get one more size bigger! She was thinking, 'wah liao! then I look like I'm wearing a sack lah!' Sibei chum."

"So MP's wife cannot look sexy one ah?"

"Seems so."

"Well, then that explains the PM's wife lah?"