Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Overheard: Singapore Claims Indonesian Islands

"Eh, Boss! I got another worried buyer. He was told by his friends that Funtasy Island is right in the middle of a serious piracy area. He wants to know about our security arrangements!"

"Another kan cheong spider ah? Aiyoh! Liddat how to do business?"

"What about our plan to get the Singapore Coast Guard or the Navy to increase patrols around the area?"

"We already spoke to MHA and MinDef, they say we are in Indonesian territory, so they cannot patrol in Indonesian waters. Something about sobriety. Really? Then don't drink on the job lah! Hai-yah!"

"I think they said 'sovereignty', not 'sobriety'. That means Indonesia will be a little sensitive about foreign vessels in their waters."

"Aiyah! Where got foreign vessels? It will be Singapore Coast Guards or Navy! It's all local lah!"

"When our ships go into Indonesian waters, they are foreign to Indonesia."

"Wah liao! Where got this kind of logic? Singapore vessels are our local vessels what? How can just because they in Indonesia, they become foreigners? Those Indonesians not very smart and never make sense one! But never mind. I heard Senior Management got a plan, and it's working!"

"What's the plan, boss?"

"I tell you, you don't anyhow tell others okay? This is top secret!"

"I won't boss. I promise."

"Okay. Since our Singapore security forces won't patrol the islands, we contacted the Indonesian military to patrol the islands. But the bloody TNI-AL wants us to pay for a naval facility, pay for the patrols, and on top of that want kopi money for their senior officers. EVERY MONTH! Bloody fuck! They think just because we rich we got money issit?"

"Er... I think that is what being 'rich' means."

"Oi! You on my side or on the Indonesian's side?"

"On your side, of course boss."

"Then don't contracept me, ok!"

"Sorry, boss!"

"So anyway, a few weeks back Senior Management did three things. First, they had promotional maps posted on our website showing Funtasy Island is easily accessible from Singapore. And to help buyers see that Funtasy Island is easily accessible, they had the islands coloured the same as Singapore."

"That sounds reasonable. How will this help?"

"You don't interrupt then I'll tell you!"

"Sorry, boss"

"Yes, that was very reasonable and nothing fantastic. So Senior Management did the second thing. They got our people in the Indonesian media to chochok the politicians, asking them if this could be interpreted as Singapore trying to claim those islands. Sure enough, the Indonesian politicians, who must always show colour, ask the questions we wanted them to ask. "

"Then the politicians ask the military to patrol the islands?"

"Just to be sure, we... influenced... some politicians to direct TNI-AL to patrol the area, to take more proactive steps to defend Indonesian's... So-ver-reign-ty."

"So we didn't... influence... the TNI-AL?"

"Cannot! They already know we ask them to patrol the area. They already asked for kopi money. If we try to chochok them to patrol, they will know our plans. Sometimes when you set a trap or a plan, you must have confidence that the plan will work, and don't kaypoh go and disturb the trap. Let the Indonesians think these preventive measures were all their idea."

"So now the TNI-AL will be patrolling the islands?"

"Better than that! The TNI-AL said they would even build a naval post there just to be safe! Even our best estimate was not so hopeful!"

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